The Final Days

In case anyone still bothers to check my blog, I have decided to end it. It was fun for a while, but now I ask myself what is the point? I have lost interest in blogging culture. I tend to lose interest in a lot of things; money, sex hygiene. I can't control my impulses. So here, on post number 69, I have decided to call it quits. Perhaps, I will pick it up again at another time, but we'll see. Thanks for reading, keep your hate-on strong brothers and sisters. Peace.

Okay, better late than never. Here goes.

Weird Habit # 1:

As many people know, I hate Nickelback; what people don't know is that I actually make my living fronting a Nickelback coverband in the Yukon Territory. My band "Ass-Pony" gets a lot of gigs because the real Nickelback doesn't make it that far north much, unless Chad is up there getting some Inuit-pussy. "I like your parka around your feet." Moving on...

# 2

I shit myself when I smoke rocks.

# 3

I talk in reality TV Cliches. Seriously, I've got cliches coming out of me, left right and center. Day in day out, I keep thinking that come crunch time I will pack it in, but I keep going. I've actually been doing it since day one, just trying to take this cliche thing above and beyond, to the next level if you will. Then when I finally step up to the plate and my Type A personality convinces me I've got it in the bag, I blow it big time.

#4

When no one is around, I like to rub tapioca on my nuts. Then I wait for it to get hard and I have a shower.

# 5

I drink an Egyptian beer called "Stella." It's a god-awful beer, but I drink it anyways. My doctor told me that Stella is responsible for my sterility, blindness in my left eye, occasional loss of motor-function, and collapsed lung, but I just can't give up that yummy mercuryesque aftertaste.




Stella---try it!





Well that's it. Sorry I'm not as funny as I used to be, but I have a lot of problems and blogs are hard work. I'll try harder next time. Out.

Will somebody please pay attention to this big fat fag!








Elton John, best known for being fat gay and annoying, is now also the first British queer to achieve civil union in this hard world.

John made sure that Britain's new same sex union laws would be introduced with style, unlike the way it was done in Canada where a bunch of nobodies, who had been together their entire lives and had waited as long to receive benefits entitled to married couples, tied the knot. "Fuck that" crooned John, "this new law is all about me, my gayness and my fat gay songs that no one listens to anymore." He continued, "Elton John needs publicity; I'm running out of Asian customs officials to berate in public."

So congratulations Britain, and congratulations Sir Elton John, for once again proving that celebrities are more important than anyone or anything. Bleet.

"Tookie Williams is a good man, he knows about the building of the body and having of the muscles, and I would like to cast him as my angry black sidekick in the next blockbuster movie starring me, Arnold Schwarzenegger. People were once saying thought my father should be killed because he went on the hunting trips with Hermann Goering and shot at American soldiers from the rooftop of our villa in Thal. But they were wrong, Papa was a good man only doing what der Fuhrer ordered him to do when they were having the lunches together at the Wolf's Lair. I am digressing all over the place now. Tookie should be given a second chance. Why do people keep asking me about Tookie? I don't understand the words that you're saying. I am angry and confused everywhere in my head and my shoulders."

-Arnold Schwarzenegger

Can you believe this homo was once in Nickelback?
Of course you can.



Do you remember where you were on February 3rd 2005? Me too. I was sitting in math class staring out the window; the sky was so blue that morning, there wasn't a cloud in sight. I was happy. Then Sister Kate came in and whispered in the headmaster's ear. He crossed himself, broke down and wept. After a few minutes he pulled himself together long enough to tell us the news. Someone asked if the President had been shot to which the Headmaster replied, "No children, I wish it was only that." Then he told us Ryan Vikedal had left Nickelback. He didn't even get all his words out before sobbing filled the room. One girl killed herself sitting at her desk, and I jumped on the headmaster, pounding him with my fists and calling him a damned dirty liar.

Along with the rest of the world, we were allowed to go home early that day to watch coverage on MTV. All they said was that Ryan had left, but later it surfaced that he had actually been kicked out for "not being the right kind of drummer for Nickelback." As it often is with such earth shattering events, the truth is never as simple as it seems.

Last July a friend of mine told me he had obtained secret tapes of an argument that happened while the band was recording their album "All the Right Reasons." The skirmish took place during the recording of the unreleased track titled, "Chick Magnet." The transcript begins with Kroeger still singing the song, and is revealed publicly here for the first time. Take a look:

Chad (Singing): "I've had sex with so many chicks, all the ladies want my dick, my name's Chad Kroeger and I'm the man, even bagged a chick in a garbage can, I want my mouth aroud your coc....Whoa, stop tape, what the hell was that Ryan?"
Ryan: "What Chad?"
Chad: "That little drummy sounding thing you did with the drums."
Ryan: "It was just a flourish."
Chad: "I don't recall asking you to do a furrish."
Ryan: "I just thought maybe we could do something different. I mean I've already done the same drum part on Someday, Too Bad and Leader of Men."
Chad: "Don't fuck with my art Ryan."

At that point the tape degenerates into a series of sucking and slapping sounds. Needless to say there is more to this story then has been reported. But as with all great artists, the truth is never as simple as ABC. Stay tuned for more history of Nickelback..

Me, back when I was crippin' Crip Crip, bitch!







I am so sick of turning on CNN, hoping for real news, onlt to be presented with the Tookie Williams death watch. Listen Tookie, if a man as wise and respected as Arnold Schwarzenegger says you must die, then just do it. Just die Tookie, you fucking prick.

I will admit I am biased towards Tookie Williams. I was a member of the Westside Rich Rollin' 60 Neighborhood Crips back in tha day before they amalgamated with the Watts Grape Street Watts Crips. I voted for the union, but then we were taken over by the larger corporate entity known as the 83rd Street Ganster Crips. I felt like a sell out. I went from stealin' old ladies purses to sellin' rocks and suckin' cocks (to pay for the rocks to which I was then addicted to). Tookie and his relentless gang unity program angered me so much I eventually decided to join the Bloods to escape. This brought about the eighteenth worst tragedy in my life when I was forced to confront my old brother Ronnie "Pimprod" Crip in a street duel. In traditional Crip style we chose our weapons. Pimprod chose chains and I chose shotgun and blew his head off. It was a really sad time.

In any case, fuck Tookie Williams, and congratulations Arnold Schwarzenegger for once again putting the hammer down on these so-called reformed convicts. Reform does not work. Death is always the answer. Just ask Tookie. Bleet.

Chad Kroeger prepares for a performance that will no doubt change the way we all think about life, love and big fucking homos whose songs all sound the same.







Well, as might be obvious by the lull in my postings, I have lost the handle on my blog. So, with some encouragement I decided to go back to the roots of the blog. Someone asked me, "Michael, why did you start your own blog?" I said, "I guess it was to make fun of Nickelback." That was no lie. I really did start this blog with the intent of sodomizing Nickelback, figuratively of course, with my words. Somewhere along the line things got political and I lost the handle. So as of tomorrow I will begin a new and powerful segment entitled, "History of Nickelback" which will explore important moments in the history of everyone's favourite band from Alberta. Stay Tuned...

L. Ron was a real man. Real men eat glass and beat off with two hands, Maverick styles!

-Tom Cruise, talking to Big Bird during filming for an upcoming episode of Sesame Street.

Well legendary actor/theologian, Tom Cruise is making headlines again. This time he revealed to US Weekly that he has constructed his own sonogram, based on scientological principles, to monitor his little thetans progress inside the sullied womb of little Katie Holmes. Does that seem crazy? Actually, according to Tom, it's really quite simple. All you need is a Grade 9 education and an undying love of Dianetics.





Nine out of Ten scientologists prefer the Tom-o-gram to regular hospital-style sonograms.






According to a source who has seen the device in action; "It was actually pretty fucked up; the room was full of scientologists and, I mean Katie just sat there with this blank look on her face while Tom put this green hat thing on her head. I think it was made out of bristol board and pipecleaners. Anyways, after it was on her head, he started making these beeping noises and then pronounced to everyone that the baby was going to be a boy. John Travolta broke down in tears of joy and everyone clapped. Then Juliette Lewis threw an empty vodka bottle at the nanny and everyone left."

People, if this doesn't prove that Tom Cruise is a great man then I don't know what does. I mean, if the guy can make his own sonogram, then surely he flunked out of high school because he was a misunderstood genius, and not as has been suggested in the tabloids, because he is mildly retarded. Shame on you for not believing in this man America. Bleet.

Tara Reid: The classiest broad in the crackhouse.

"Like what the fuck? I mean somebody needs to tell me like what I need to do. I'm high as fuck. Seriously, who's dick am I supposed to suck? Where's the fucking Director's trailer?"

Tara Reid- Comments overheard off camera on the set of unreleased movie Incubus.

Blogs are too much work. I don't know how much longer I can keep this going. I'm tired and hungry. If anyone has suggestions on how to keep my blog fresh, please write in.

I used to be able to knock out a bunch of posts using only my good looks, anger and fistful of amphetamines. I truly thought my blog would topple the empire of ignorance surrounding all of us, but instead it has toppled over on me like my stack of Naked Black Men Magazines did about a week ago. That incident also broke two fingers on my writing hand, which has caused further complications.

I hope to be daily blogging again soon. Soldier on, candy horsemen! Bleet.